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Funny quotes and quotations

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
David Frost

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano

World's Largest Online Casino

This 3-year-old kid is home alone, and a salesman comes to the door. The kid answers, and he’s got a porno in one hand, a cigar in one hand and a bottle of J.D. The salesman goes, “Hi, little boy, are your parents home?” The kid goes, “What the f**k do you think?”
Avril Lavigne

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
David Frost

Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature.
Marilyn Monroe

Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
Dolly Parton

My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
Billy Connolly

The only difference between a Britney Spears video and a spread in Playboy is at least the centerfolds know they can't sing.
Bono

Congratulations to Wayne Rooney. He scored three times on Tuesday. He hasn't done that since he crashed a pensioners' bingo night.
Jonathan Ross

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike
Sam Kinison

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.
Dick Van Dyke

My name is Raquel Welch. I am here for Visual Effects. And I have two of them.
Raquel Welch

I've been in the twilight of my career longer than most people have had a career.
Martina Navratilova

Shania 'Oh I must remember to buy some mutton' Twain once performed at the Nobel Prize Peace Concert with Elton John and Phil Collins. You probably remember that year. They had to wrestle a Stanley knife off Nelson Mandela.
Mark Lamarr

I don't plan to grow old gracefully I plan to have face lifts till my ears meet.
Rita Rudner

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
Shelley Winters

When I'm really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn't look at me, he's probably gay.
Kathleen Turner

They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth. They can...if you hit them in the goolies with a cricketbat for fourteen hours.
Jo Brand

The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.
Conan OBrien

I haven't had any experience with UFO's, but paranormal life seems to be all around me...I grew up on the lower east side of New York.
David Duchovny

I've got a phone, answer machine, TV set, computer, hand grenade - everything you need to run a business in Los Angeles.
Ice T

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano

My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
Billy Connolly

Jim Cameron and I have just decided we're going to do another Terminator. The title will be The Sperminator: I'll Come Again.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Today, if you're not an alcoholic, you're nobody.
Dick Van Dyke

I look at going to Hollywood as going behind enemy lines. You parachute in, set up the explosion, then fly out before it goes off.
Robert Redford

Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.
Johnny Depp

Russia's a little bit like a critically ill patient. Every day you have to get up and take the pulse and hope that nothing catastrophic happened the night before.
Condoleeza Rice

Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
Dolly Parton

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly