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Humor quotes and quotations

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
Jack Handey

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
A. Whitney Brown

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.
Wendy Wasserstein

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
Jack Handey

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.
Romain Gary

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
George Jean Nathan

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Author Unknown

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Aristotle

Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.
Bill Nye

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin

Humour has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.
Thomas Carlyle

Those who are serious in ridiculous matters will be ridiculous in serious matters.
Cato the Elder

We never respect those who amuse us, however we may smile at their comic powers.
Marguerite Gardiner

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Dick Clark

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.
Jack Handey

Wit is cultured insolence.
Aristotle

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'
Jack Handey

Folks that blurt out just what they think wouldn't be so bad if they thought.
Kin Hubbard

Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
E. B. White

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Edward De Bono

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Horace Walpole

If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.
Hugh Elliott

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
James Thurber

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
James Thurber

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
John Kenneth Galbraith

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'
Jack Handey

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Larry Gelbart

Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.
Lewis Mumford

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Mark Twain

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Jack Handey

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Mary Hirsch

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Jack Handey

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Pico Iyer

The gods too are fond of a joke.
Edward Albee

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Jack Handey

Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Mel Brooks

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Jack Handey

Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Jack Handey

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Robert Benchley

Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it.
Salma Hayek

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Jack Handey

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
T. S. Eliot

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour.
Edward Albee

Unconscious humor.
Samuel Butler (1)

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.
Thomas Carlyle

I never dare to write As funny as I can.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Jack Handey

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
Agnes Repplier

There's the humour of it.
William Shakespeare

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
George Bernard Shaw

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'
Jack Handey

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
Jack Handey

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.
George Bernard Shaw

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
Jack Handey

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Agnes Repplier

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'
Jack Handey

Now I perceive the devil understands Welsh. And 'tis no marvel he is so humorous. By'r Lady, he is a good musician.
William Shakespeare

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Thomas Carlyle

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
Jack Handey

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Jack Handey

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
Jack Handey

In the end, everything is a gag.
Thomas Carlyle